The 5 Golden Rules of Big Butt Etiquette

Posted by By Guerdley at 19 January, at 02 : 22 AM Print

I understand your confusion. Truly I do. Why is a manual for big butt etiquette necessary? Simply because “Damnnnn…” should not be a standard salutation for a healthy fraction of anyone’s encounters. And when it is, a regulation in etiquette is in order.

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Yes, beauty in all forms is always gravitating and yes, a number of feminine features may subliminally whisper, “Go on Tiger, touch it…” in the ears of captive audiences. But there’s something about ass-envy that makes people go hard. A beautiful face, gorgeous mane, or even some great racks on racks get compliments. But when the muse in question is a bump on the back, reactions are a bit more aggressive. Trivia: Guess how many special guest asses Regis Philbin slapped before Nicki Minaj’s appearance? Zero, Boo. But of course, that number changed when she came on and hit that (literally). We won’t judge him though, he’s not on trial… Just saying… We’ve all been there. Onions beckon so much attention: a cat call or in extreme cases, a keep-up-the-good-work camraderie pat seems appropriate to viewers. Call it the Venus Hottentot Affect, but a large backside has a profound effect on people; it motivates ignorance!

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I cargo one of these big things in question. Plus I come from a long, lineage of round rotundas and speak for the team when I say there are some highs and lows. Now, although I never (emphasis on ever) think that a chick should bear the brunt of someone else’s poor table manners, I do believe women have the power to dictate how people treat us by the way we carry ourselves. So (sigh) this time ladies (sigh again), we have to take one for the team. Simply because feminine influence is a one helluva drug sooo…

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FIVE.) Avoid White Or Grey Leggings/Spandex
The magnitude of Judy’s backside is being detected by those walking toward her and confirmed the split second they walk past. This is ritual. Take note, leggings mark dangerous turf and grey and white are natural expanders. Cocktailed together these produce a giddy-up that has the makings of a slow-mo magic moment. However, plastered on and sashayed out in the real world has the potential for petty chaos, i.e. fender-benders, domestic disputes, etc. Also, shirts that fall below the crotch are necessary with leggings too -TRUST. (Our Trayhova did some in depth research and the answers were the realest.) Depending on your tolerance for public panting, you may want to consider a cease and desist. If not, at the very least — take heed.
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FOUR.) Play It Cool During Big Butt Anthems
This is a hard one, I know. Now I would never recommend anyone deprive themselves the great satisfaction of delivering a proper Hammertime. No, perish the thought. However, I would advise practicing personal reservation during ass anthem music. Not as a public safety measure nor as a preventative measure to deactivate ignorance (afterall, ass anthems summon it) but just because its horribly cliche. Don’t be the first, second, or third chick to take it low and sweep the floor. I say, be the fourth… Yea four is good. Why? Because I like that number. Now, as you were… Make that MFer Hammertime.

THREE.) Low-Cut Jeans Are Your Haters
I got to be real. This rule pisses me off. Especially, since they reserve some really awesome denim rinses for the more popular cuts. But you gotta deal with it chick, as do I, you can’t participate in this fashion trend. Simply because no matter what notch you fasten that belt to, whale-tale is coming for that ass and it’s only a loose shoe string away. Go for high-waisters, they flesh out your shape and are much more flattering – btw this is a tip for all shapes. My motto’s the longer the crotch the better the fit. Take it for what you want Sugar.

TWO.) Bad Posture Creates Trashy Do-Donkness
This might sound a little neurotic, but there’s a method to the madness, trust. Albeit a stroll or a strut, your walk talks. The best way to maintain posture is with a head held high and walking with one foot in front of the other (it’s easier than it sounds). It lessens that heavy shifting look commonly referred to as “donkey-butt” and gives the deriere a more graceful sashay. Who is going to call someone out with the stride of a gazelle?

ONE.) Sex Positions: Save the Best for Last
True story. If you do it from the back as a light icebreaker or kickoff, you might not make it to the end of the show. He will however, happily. And you, you my friend will be looking over your shoulder hoping for him to signal the end of a crappy joke. Take it from me, allow the anticipation to linger and charge into some healthy sexual tension. Build up to the grand finale. Then you can bow for the applause.

That’s all I got kids. Thanks for taking the time to strut and stunt with me, it’s always a pleasure. Let’s keep the good times rolling @wwmdtv.

With Warmth,
@_guerdley

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