Her Q, His A: Confessions From A Young Anti-Oral-Giving Man

Posted by By Tracy at 13 April, at 14 : 36 PM Print

If I could dap Lil Wayne for just one good rap deed it’d be this, shamelessly displaying his love/love relationship with cunnilingus. Now it’s not so much because I’d like to fantasize about Weezy’s face tatts all up in my flower region, but because his petal-pleasing rhymes get non-Carter fellas really pumped about french kissing those other lips. Which inevitably gets me (and Guerdley and Chazeen and you and her and her and her) really pumped about them french kissing our other lips. Especially since we can all recall a silly time where cookie chowing was a taboo subject for many dudes who had no qualms about requesting their first sloppy blowjobs during in-door recess. Puh!

But alas, it’s 2012, the year of mystery, adventure and as this month’s Esquire notes, the rise of cunnilingus. There’s no such thing as a potential boyfriend who’s not cool with having his mug look like a glazed donut… right? Right?! Yeah, right.

Meet Darryl* a 27-year-old woman-loving man who would probably puke after reading all the above. He considers his tongue a gift not quite made for sharing. I knew that even with an Esquire stamp of approval, Tunechi cosign, and just plain grown-up-ness, there was a young member of team testosterone out there who wouldn’t hear me though. His reasoning bounces between ridiculous and understandable, but at the very least is interesting. Let’s jump right in, shall we.

Her: Is it safe for me to assume you’re not a big Weezy fan?
Him: Yeah, he’s a real loser. He’s messing up the game.

The game of anti-eating?
Yeah, I definitely don’t agree with it at all… not at all.

You sound damn adamant! Break down the problem for me.
I personally don’t agree with it. It’s nasty. You don’t know who you meet. You just can’t be eating box like that. That’s just horrible. Someone who eats the box isn’t really comfortable with what they got.

What they got?
Their package. Probably got a small dick or you know, they don’t know what they’re doing [in bed].

Hmm. So you’re saying the men who are cool with going down on women do it to make up for not being a good f-buddy?
Yes.

Ha! Well, perhaps for some, but going down on a woman is pretty normal and I’m also gonna go with essential. I’m bisexual so if that’s not happening, we’re not happening. Do you tell girls in advance that your tongue is staying in doors?
Yeah I’ll be direct with them. I tell them something crazy would have to happen for me to do it. And um, they just got to accept it. If you’re putting in work, then they will. A lot of girls have said they can get me to do it, but it never works.

Sir, I don’t believe you’ve never done it.
[Laughs] Okay, I’ve done it a few times, two I was in long term relationships with. And one other time was one of those drunk, crazy, horny nights. But I’m definitely not a regular.

Mmmhmm. So how long did it take you to actually perform?
Maybe two years, year and a half.

Yikes! Now could you wife a girl who wanted to wait that long to go down on you or wanted to wait till marriage?
I don’t think…I don’t know. Ha, I mean I sound real stupid saying no but [laughs] like ‘this dude won’t eat the box but he expects to get head’… I probably wouldn’t do it.

Someone who eats the box isn’t really comfortable with what they got.

Oh man you’re killing me. Let me ask you this, if you were a girl, would you date you?
Nah. Actually, I mean I would because I feel like I could sling good pipe.

Back to that again, eh? Talk to me about the few times you actually went down, did you enjoy it at all?
It was good, I felt I was ready to do it, but it’s not my favorite thing to do. I’m not crazy about it.

I feel like some unspecial girl’s vagina traumatized you.
[Laughs] I’ve seen so much crazy things when I was younger. Girls with boyfriends having sex with dudes and then going back to their boyfriends and then having this other dude just to eat in the box and that like just messed up my whole thought process.

Ah, that’s understandable.
That’s why I feel like I got to trust you for me to do it or I just got to be real, real, real drunk and horny.

So does this all mean you’re Mr. Faithful in your relationships?
Have I been faithful? No.

And how do you feel about putting your girlfriend’s mouth in jeopardy?
A penis is different than a pussy. I just feel like all that nasty, all that uuugghhh, just there’s more. All I got to do is wash my shit and I’m good.

Son, you can’t wash off chlamydia…
Yeah, thank God I haven’t caught anything like that, but I’m a dude.

15 minutes just on eating box? That’s crazy! That’s kind of disrespectful in a way.

That’s a whole ‘nother interview. So is being ready all about love or do you have a checklist?
It takes time, if not a year and a half, maybe I could do seven months. It takes trust, then asking slick questions like ‘What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done.’ You see where her head is at, you see how many times she takes baths or whatever.

Do you want her to smell like Summer’s Eve?
Nah, it doesn’t have to be all that. Let me tell you what’s nasty, I’ve seen girls go to the bathroom and not use toilet tissue.

What in the world, that’s really happened?
I’ve seen it. Girls are nasty.

Some girls yo. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Let’s say her nether region is in tip-top condition though, are you staying there until she orgasms or just to lick and stick?
How long?

I’ll go easy on you and say a strong 15.
15 minutes? That’s a long time. I know sober I couldn’t do it. Maybe drunk, but I don’t agree with it.

Don’t agree with it?
15 minutes just on eating box? That’s crazy! That’s kind of disrespectful in a way.

[Laughs] Word, disrespectful? I won’t even ask how long you to receive it.
I like it slow and I like to watch… the longest, no jokes, with 30 second breaks… 45 minutes [laughs]

Did you feel bad for her?
Nooo, I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I don’t feel bad. If she didn’t like it though, I wouldn’t have her down there for that long.

Well, isn’t that nice of you [laughs]. So in conclusion, what do you have to say to all your fellow males who love going down and encourage others to do it well and often?
Yall are f-cking up the game!

–

I think we all need a moment of silence.

…………

Okay. Didn’t that make you just want to run up and hug the last fella who licked your ego? I think it’s safe to say that Darryl’s thoughts, although appreciated, are a bit archaic. And most importantly, of the minority. Hopefully, anyway. Nah, factually! Cleanliness seems to be the biggest factor here… as it should be. So ask Onika says, “tell em p-ssy squeaky!’ but really mean it. Lets make the bedroom a better place by keeping the Darryls at minimum.

So gals tell me, did dude make sense or was he just senseless? Are guys who go down really just making up for underwhelming sex? Could you go down on a man who wouldn’t return the favor? Fellas, are yall disowning Darryl from team testosterone or does he make some good points? I want to hear from yall!

Much x and o,

Tracy (@trayhova)

*Fakeass name to seal anonymity

HUNGRY FOR MORE BLOGS? FILL’R UP!

• Her Q, His A: Confessions of a Male Orgasm Faker
• Is A Gal Who Doesn’t Swallow, Wifeable?
• The One Who Took Your Virginity Vs. The One Who Turned You Out

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