Why I’m Just Not About That Man-Scaping Life

Posted by By Guerdley at 2 May, at 22 : 34 PM Print

I love a man in touch with his feminine side. Truly, Drake can cry on my bosom ey day. However, my gender bending isn’t as flexible in all areas. Particularly, when it comes to man-scaping. I once had a friend whose boyfriend went Brazilian waxing with her… Yes. Brazilian. Waxing… If you’re anything like me, the mere visual sends an arctic chill to your erogenous zones. Simply because no matter how progressive the politics of love and lust have evolved, some things are better left fundamental. For me, that’s hair. And not that pretty polished baby S-curl hair; I mean man hair, wild, weathered, and even a tad bit archaic. I know most women, like my lovely lady friend Chazeen stand in the face of this preference back-turned. Nonetheless, I’ve still taken to my soap box a few points to devalue the mass appeal of man-scaping and in doing so, will hopefully recruit some men to my Spartan army.

Ride with me.

Facial Hair

There’s a beauty trick with a 100% success rate any man fully developed past puberty is capable of achieving. It’s called the fu manchu (a beard shaved in a square-like shape around his mouth. Basically a box around his lips, ha!). Anyways, the fu manchu is facial lingerie and has heightened the hot-damness of any man I have ever seen attempt it. FYI (from my gatherings) this is the common consensus among  ladies room deliberations. (Thank me later boys).

Eye Brows

I mean, if you insist. I don’t think it’s necessary. Actually, I’m going to exercise my unalienable right of free speech and go ahead and call it unnecessary. I’ve never found a curvacious arch to improve the physical appearence of any man. Ever. In existence. Granted, if we’re dealing with a unibrow, of course some mowing is only civilized, but anything less is a bit too fancy for my humble taste. However, it’s not a deal breaker. I can appreciate a polished Pauly D or someone else comparable as long as he maintains a counter-balance of proven brutish musk. However, I will not (test me damn it) stand for a man who’s eyebrows are more seductive than mine. For crying out loud, it’s enough pressure trying to achieve that Kim K curve as it is — last thing I need is my man brow-beating me to the finish line. Back off bro, we’re not competing for beauty points. I win. Automatically.

Chest Hair

THIS. Let’s talk about it. There are certain circumstances that apply here. If his chest looks like mink, of course, a light trim is only fair for anyone subjected to look at him naked. Other than that, I’m about that grizzly life. A textured torso begs for touch. This also means a little taco meat to season that v-neck is a-okay with me as well. And although, I grapple with the term “Man-cleavage” I applaud its execution when done correctly. As long as he never whispers in my ear a request to slowly stroke his velvety man pecks, I can live to lust another day.

Sub-Belt Buckle Hair

I’ve done enough male interrogations to understand some basic truths. Among their several simplicities, size does matter, especially to them. So although most men will claim that the man-scaping of their sub-below regions are for hygienic purposes, I ‘m forced to believe that’s an alibi. The real reason is a bit more egotistical and basic in theory: When the grass is cut, the tree looks taller. Fin. And yes, I’m sure that cosmetic optical allusion does heighten his morning wood by a few measly centimeters, but truly the novelty of a bald bat has no effect on me, at all. Afterall there’s nothing more emasculating than pubescence. Eeek!

However, light grooming is only courteous. As my wild-child galpal Tracy (and fellow Spartan recruiter), has so eloquently mentioned,

” I’d like to interject on this below the belt buckle talking point… *light trimming* is most definitely invited and encouraged! Long, crinkly pubes two-stepping along your tongue f*cking sucks. Feel free to quote me!”

And so I did.

So…yeah…

Less isn’t more. More is more! Granted, as I’ve been told throughout my 20-something years of existence, I’m a *special* girl and don’t share the common views of all women. So fellas, before officially giving your last damn and kicking back au-natural, check in with your lady first. Results may vary. As for myself, not only am I a member of the hair club for men, I’m the president.

Ladies, how you feeling? Guys are you relieved? Or a tad bit perturbed? In any event, feel free to bitch @wwmdtv!

French X’s,

@_guerdley

HUNGRY FOR MORE BLOGS?

• Why I’m Iffy On Dudes Who Don’t Appreciate R&B
• Why I Won’t Date A Guy Who Slanders Kim Kardashian
• Why I’m Just Not Into Tall Dudes

Blog