During sex there are these magic moments, the kinds so blissfully euphoric you’re forced to close your eyes. And then there are the other moments, the kinds that snap your your eyes wide open in horrifying bewilderment. Yes children, today we will be discussing the latter — those WTF rabbit out the hat sex moves you wish your partner would’ve cued you on beforehand. Now don’t get me wrong, even a levitating virgin could tell you that sex at its best is spontaneous. However, this shouldn’t be taken too far out of context: some moves require a mandatory, “Hey babe, I was thinkin…” disclaimer. And if by chance you’re a little confuzzled about what moves may possibly alarm (and disgruntle) your flesh buddy, take a gander below. I’ve put my blood, sweat, and personal annoyances into this little countdown for all your edutaining pleasure. Enjoy.
5.) Lap Dances
Ladies, pay attention. A little while back, my lovely lady friend Chazeen did some gorilla research on the perfect way to perform a lap dance. If you were to ask me I would’ve sworn on a stack of King magazines that a little wobbly, wobbly, clap, clap, twerk wouldv’e done the trick. But evidently not. #ShrugLife. And moreover, it shouldn’t be a surprise! So pay no mind to those successfully seamless rountines in the videos, it’s only entertainment! If you want to perform a real live lap dance, make it a production. Forewarn your lover. Provide a chair. Hell, throw a bandana over their eyes get artsy with it. Whatever you do, just make sure the your audience is well prepared for the show.
The warm-up is key ladies. I’m sure nothing sucks more than when you can tell that your man is feeling anything other than “aroused”. --Jamar, 33
4.) Filthy Name Calling
Different strokes for different folks. I know a lot of ladies and gentlemen (due to the nature of this convo, I’m forced to use that term loosely) don’t mind a little filthy name calling. Not that “Oh you bad little…” HBO soft-porn fluff, I’m talking raunchy, disrespectful, borderline fighting words sex talk. Which I must admit, can be an aphrodisiac depending on the lunar calendar but any other time, you should know well in advance to what extent you’re partner likes to be objectified. Afterall, are you really prepared to explain to an offended lover how being called, “A dirty, little, wet slut” is only a figure of speech?
“I made the mistake of having a little too much fun with the sex talking one time. It was cool at the time but right after she threw me the ol’ “We need to talk” kickstarter and I right from there I knew I f*cked.”--Karl, 28
3.) Hair Pulling
Fellas, this one’s for you. Honestly, it’s with deep regret that I have to include hair pulling on this list. The healthiest tugs are done on a whim, yes I know. But unfrotunatley, due to the highly advanced nature of 2012′s weave manufacturing, this historically celebrated tradition must be regulated. No matter how healthy her mane is, she has a stash of #4 yaki hidden somewhere in her room or in her near future. And depending on how skilled of a weavologist she is, the phony pony could very slip past his radar. Which is an ideal scenario, for any other time EXCEPT sex. Not sure how to ease into it? Graze her head, and look for the flinch. If she doesn’t bob + weave (no pun) that means she’s cool with it, happy sadomasochism hour! If not, get over it. Nobody wants their wig pushed back –literally.
“I thought we were all in an understanding: This is not my hair. But why did he go and pull it any ways? With force! Thank God that bad boy was snatched on tight or else I would’ve died! Naked! In his bed!”--Sheila, 26
2.) Rim Shots
This goes for the anal arena in general. There is no such thing as a surprise back door slip, only trespassing. True, some people are completely enamored by dual penetration, and yet others find refuge with kyrptonite ass-lock. Whatever takes you to the promise land, is your preprogitive but make sure you know which political party your sexual assistant votes for. It’s a traumatic and sometimes dangerous experience when the kaboos is invaded without forwarning. Not to mention, sometimes messy… (Buck up, we’re all adults here).
“Listen I don’t know what advice they’re giving out nowadays but get the hell away from my a**hole! Even if she brings her hand close to it I get instantly soft. That’s not something you should ever sneak up on someone.”--Dwayne, 28
1.) Super Soaking/Facials
Not to throw shade at your dark twisted fantasies but life isn’t a porno flick, and not all scenes have to end in an issued facial downpour. And if you happen to think they do understand this could very well be a figment of your kinky imagination. Now, now, no need to get frazzled, this is a judgement free zone, simply throwing a friendly reminder out there. An on the whim splash MUST require prior consent. And not suggestive consent, clearly articulated ‘I’m about that life’ consent. Moral of the story: play it safe and ask your lover, always, if some milk would really do their body good.
“There’s an “I’m going to cum” protocol every man has to say before leggo. I don’t know where some guys get off just exploding wherever they want. Like what if she has contacts in? Have some consideration!”--Jenny, 24
So now that we’ve gotten that out the way, let’s chat strategy. In sex, there’s a such thing as scheduled spontaneity. It’s kind of like when you go to a magic show and see a magician pull a rabbit out the hat. You kind of expected it to happen, but were still pleasantly surprised when it actually did. Scheduled sexual spontaneity kind of works the same way; you throw out an abstract idea to spicen up your sexy time and see how said lover responds to it. No worries, it won’t completely deflate excitement, you still have the mystery of when, where, and most importantly how you do it. And when it comes to sex, truly what else matters?
Got any more sex moves to add to the list? What’s the best way to introduce a risque move in the bedroom? Follow the animal circus @wwmdtv
Xo + Body Warmth,
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