As we’ve all learned from personal case studies, the “He Got Some Big Feet” Theory means… He got some big feet. Every now and then it means more, but far too disappointingly often it means less. Stature myths have been misleading women for centuries now. He’s really tall and built? So is Buzz Lightyear at Disney Land. You trynna hit that too? The truth of the matter is there’s no one solid attribute that’ll ever truly let a woman know exactly what’s swinging down there, until of course it’s show time, and by then… Welp, you already bought tickets sista –you better hope for a good show!
And what do we do when it’s not a good show? What do we do with those agonizing WTF-last-night-was-too-real moments that leave you contemplating if weak sex is even worth a strike on the tally list (I vote nay). Yeah those feelings can be quite haunting the morning after, or 15 minutes later (smdh). The lucky ones repress them. Others blog about them, *cough*. And others never, ever, ever end up in that position simply because they’re professional penis previewers…
For the sake of her future dating life, we’ll call the young lady *Jessica. Simply put, Jessica is a firm supporter of the whip it out theory, where she requests a viewing sample of the package before any silly strings are attached later on during the dating process. She’s sworn to never waste her time on men she refers to as “Slim Jims” ever again. Granted, this does take some shrill action on her part, yes, she’ll leave a guy’s balls singing the blues at the drop of a Trojan wrapper, but swears the discipline reaps climatic rewards.
Intrigued or offended? In any event, here’s a bit more of her story…
WWMD: So what made you become you Professional Penis Previewer, as I like to call it?
PPP: [Laughs] You’re crazy! Umm, I mean don’t you wish you had done that done sometimes? (Church). I just take sex really seriously and I think that’s a fair deal breaker, not having good… Equipment! Ya know? I’m not trying to be rude or whatever –I want to know your job, I want to know your interests, I want to know your goals, and I want to know about your dick. What’s the problem? People date to get to know each other! [Laughs]
So this is a request you make during the dating phase?
Hell yeah! That’s the problem, waiting until the sex phase! If you wait that long, you can get attached to someone who you might not be completely compatible with sex wise. Women do this all the time, we like somebody and believe we can “teach” them how to become better sex partners. Sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t. Like if he’s the type to come quick, there’s no hope. If he’s a “Slim Jim”, hell no, that motion in the ocean crap is a damn lie invented by men with small stuff. So I’ll ask while we’re dating.
Like first date dating?
I’m not that bold! Maybe like second or third, but it’s getting asked! I only asked once (on a first date) and that’s because it was the right time for it, we were making out in a cab ride home and I pulled away from kissing him and just asked really softly, “Let me see it.”
What’s a guy’s standard reaction?
That guy was already in the zone so he was with it. Most guys that are proud of their package don’t mind. Honestly, guys with big dicks love to brag about it. And for the ones too humble to brag, they don’t mind showing it. They welcome the challenge, ha! You know who does complain though? Those Slim Jims! You’d think I was sexually harassing them and not asking a legit question! Please. They’re more insecure than they’re offended…
Shots fired! Ha! Come on now Jess, if a guy asked to see your breasts on a DATE whether you had some racks on racks or not, you’re going to be offended by the question, aren’t you? Why is Jim any different?
Jim’s way different! You know what, a “Jim” tried to ask me something like that before and I told him everything you need to know about my body is in plain sight. I was wearing form fitting dress and I told him this is my real bust size, my real ass, my real hair, and my stuff is real good. He has an idea of what the merchandise is like, I don’t.
So I take it your approach works for you?
Honestly, that excites the waiting process! Because you know that when it goes down, it’s going to be great! Plus, like I said the type of guys I’m into are not offended by me asking to see it prematurely, they think it’s kinky and so do I.
So what do you do when he pulls it out and it’s bite size?
I say nothing. I stare and say nothing. We finish the date or whatever we’re doing, and part ways. He never hears from me again.
Damn, have you ever been asked why? And if so, would you honestly say it’s because your stuff is too small?
No guy’s ever asked. I think that awkward silence I create after the moment says enough, honestly. But hey if they really wanted to know, I would tell them. It’s not like they don’t know by now anyways…
So a final word to all women please.
Listen, if you’re curious about anything, ask. If he’s offended let him be. If he tries to pull the double ultimatum crap, ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ don’t play yourself –you’re the woman, you have the vagina–you make the rules. If he doesn’t like it, he can kicks rocks. Him and his Slim Jim!
Honestly, not mad at the young lady, not mad at all, only because I believe we should all be a bit aggressive about the things we value in life. For Jessica, it’s a third leg –who am I to judge? Ladies, just one word of advice should you decide to follow in this woman’s brave footsteps (1.) Be tactful, be very, very tactful. He should sound like he’s being seduced, not prison raped. (2.) Understand that playing “Doctor” accelerates the sex process, the same goes for sex talk on the first date. The seed of sex is always on his mind, and every time you entertain the topic you’re watering it. So be mindful because if you’re trying to play a waiting game or Harvey’s mythical 90-Day Rule, he might call you a tease. And depending on the type of girl you are, you might find that offensive. Note.
So what do you think? Ladies, is it a bad idea to ask for a preview? Guys would you be offended? Do you think it’s a fair request? Would you drop a chick that ever asked you that? Ladies, do you think the “Motion In The Ocean” Theory is overrated? Let’s talk about sex bay-by! @wwmdtv
Good times right? Yeah!
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