Glad to know the Olympics makes everyone else horny too. I mean honestly, what else comes to mind when you see strong bodies, power moves and a round of applause? A U.K. based Durex company recently distributed these pretty little hats to competing Olympians. Friendly reminder that these super humans, not only train, but sex, really, really, really good from what my imagination reports. Unfortunately though, I don’t know anyone personally that has been Michael Phelped or has mounted Serena and has lived to brag about it. However, we can assume and learn from the performances of these amazing athletes a few things that could help our own personal performances…
1. Always, Always, Always, Thank Your Trainer
There’s a humble thing that these Olympians always do after they stick a mount or crip walk in victory–they run up to their trainers and rush them. Thanking them for rearing them into to the winner athletes they’ve clearly become. Besides a slew of regrets, I think we might owe our own exes the same courtesy. All those hours of sweaty practice took investment. Even if you didn’t get the full Yeezy re-upholstery job, you got something to be thankful for. So be a champ and give thanks.
2. It’s Not About Being The First, It’s About Being The Best
In general, sex is pretty territorial –dogs piss on trees; humans smack asses. Crazy but one night of domination leases lifetime ownership, or at least a sense of that for many lovers. And the stakes only get higher for first time cases, ask anybody that ever snatched grabbed someone else’s virginity or turned a chick into a first time M.I.L.F.– there’s a teensy, weensy, “hell yea” lingering in the back of said snatch grabber’s sub-conscious ready to attack the possibility of another go round. But if there’s one thing we learned from the Olympics, it’s not about who came first– it’s about who did the best and broke records. So if you’re a snatch grabber, still puffed on the conquest of hymen breakage, simmer down now. People break and set new records all the time. Consider yourself that olympian in that black and white Visa commercial, the one that did something ground breaking in 1900-something, that I’m sure was really awesome by 1900-something standards; a great memory –but still a memory, a distant one at that… And unfortunately that’s the span of your relevance
3. Just Be Glad You Came
Nothing sucks more than a sore loser. Not to sound insensitive, truly I get it: they trained day in and day out, envisioned and dreamt about victory, they got their whole damn country weighing patriotism and propaganda on their shoulders, in addition to the fact they’re trynna make and blow some endorsement money on something that’ll look shiny and enviable on Instagram — I get it, lots and lots are riding on these Olympian’s execution of this perfect triple flip, one-legged spin. But what happens when they don’t “stick it”? We’re sad they didn’t do their best, but it becomes a major bummer when they start to sulk about it. Doesn’t poor sportsmanship, or in the case of extreme bitchassness –sexmanship, as in seeing someone huff & puff because they didn’t give their best performance and want to re-prove themselves with another chance, annoy you? No one wants to relive a bad performance. It’s one thing for a woman to endure someone else’s weak performance, but to have to entertain and coddle someone else’s shame is far too exhausting (not to mention, the aftermath of weak sex is theoretically not the most nurturing time for women anyways). Do everyone a favor, take a bow and end with some dignity.
I hope I haven’t sullied this great international past-time for you all! No of course not, if anything it should a tad more enticing now. Right? Got any more tips to add? If so, say the word @wwmdtv.
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