Dating Confessions From A Horny Virgin

Posted by By Guerdley at 12 October, at 12 : 03 PM Print

Some of us would classify adult virgins in the same group as coconut ta-ta’d mermaids and sprinkle dustin’ god-mothers. But alas my friends, we are wrong. Indeed there are virgins walking among us. Maneuvering in and out of our lives seamlessly. And there’s no way of telling who’s who. Some of them talk like us, walk like us, are sexy like us. Now that you’ve given it some serious thought, you may start to recall a few people that still owe you sex… Think about it… Yes my friends, make no mistakes: virgins are here. The survivors of the smutification of our times and lived to tell about it. Or at least to sit through an interview and allow me to get all up in her business…And btw, they get horny. Like aggressively horny.

So for irrefutable reasons I have to call this woman Mary. Meet Mary, a 25+ y/o virgin, with an active dating life and gluttonous libido. She’s a full-time participant in Cuffin Season and swears that she has a non-sex move that makes men howl at the moon. And for those of you side eyeing this text like its the New York Post, add this to your Ripley’s list: Chick is bad. Like, “Who’s that?” Bad.

So yeah, questions are certainly in order don’t you agree?

So… Virgins get horny?

I do. I’m human! I just feel that I have more restraint than the average person ya know? When the average person gives in, I’ve built up my tolerance to stand against that. But I still go through dry spells that drive me crazy.

I’m curious as to what a virgin classifies as crazy…How often do you masturbate?

All the time. Everyday. Like I travel with a vibrator. Going home to visit my mom? Yup that baby’s with me, believe it. I’m really dying nowadays because my current one broke. Damn I can’t wait til pay day [mumbles]. Like, I’ve budgeted for it. I take it as seriously as I take getting my hair done.

Wow… Wasn’t expecting to hear that. So would you consider yourself a freaky virgin?

Yea, I would. When I’m down to get physical with a guy, he’ll have a good time and I know guys leave pleasured. The only difference is I don’t do everything with everyone. I don’t give head to everyone and I don’t let everyone give me head. I kind of like to save those things for guys I’m serious with.

For the most part, you don’t give head? Does your “fun” involve penetration of any sort? Dildos, anal, etc.

No, no penetration at all. Not even a finger or a tongue is coming inside of me. [Laughs] I come up with other creative options to make up for all the sex we won’t be having.

What substitutes sex? And where do you find these willing attractive guys to participate?

I’ve created a special move for guys…. And I meet them the same places everyone finds hook-ups and dating potentials: parties, mutual friends, social scenes whatever. Again, I’m human.

Bet. This special move…Tell me…

No! [Laughs] Then my whole cover’s blown! But I will tell you this though, when done right, everybody leaves happy. It’s not sex, but it’s sexy. And I like it. And guys like it.

How do you know they like it?

They’re actions. They stick around. Some for months. Some for years. Others that leave and want to come back. Don’t sleep on this virgin lovin! And by that time, they know the deal. It’ not like they come back expecting to conquer some new territory with me. They know: I’m not a b-tch, but I’m assertive about that. They know that I’m dead serious about this. Guys know when to listen to a girl and when to treat her like a push-over. It’s a confidence thing… But either way, these guys know they’re coming back to the same routine. And they’re about that life, or at least cool with it. [Laughs]

So this creative, abstract sex option makes you cum?

I do! That’s why I’m going through the worse hell right now because I need a hook-up, baaaaadly. Plus it’s pretty easy for me to climax. Mainly because I know my body. I know what to move, what to rub, and what he needs to do. And he’ll cum too! Every time!

So when you do hook-up these willing men know that they’re leaving the club to sign up for virgin lovin?

Not really. No, I never tell them immediately, like on a first date or anything premature. I’ll wait for the time when conversations become sex-centered. I never explicitly say I’m a virgin either because some guys will just look at that as a challenge they have to win and others will just drop the invitation altogether without exploring the possibilities. So just like anyone else dating, I leave room for a little bit of mystery. So before we leave the club, I’ll usually say “We’re not going to have sex but I promise you that it will be fun.” And I don’t leave the club with new guys. Too scared of date rape. It’s always with a friend of a friend or something.

And like you said, there are some that follow. What about the ones that don’t? What’s the most outlandish response you’ve ever gotten from a guy?

One guy straight up told me to my face I was lying and then proceeded to tell me a list of men he knows for a fact I f-cked. So, that was aggressive. And um two other guys straight up told me to my face that they weren’t going to do my move and it made them uncomfortable. [Laughs] And I can accept that, I don’t need anyone around that won’t respect my situation and what I’m willing and not willing to do. If he’s not down, there’s no sense in wasting his time or mine and it’s completely understandable. Most of the world does have sex!

I get that you’re out here cuffin, but do you ever worry about not being able to compete with the girls that actually put out?

This is when confidence and an understanding of self worth really become a factor. I know who I am, that I’m a good catch, and that I’m a girl that looks good. So I meet quality guys, and I’m a good judge of character. Some guys are just prone to cheating and those guys I don’t even bother with. The ones that seem trust worthy. I’ll invest in. I can tell who they are and have never been wrong yet. I guess because I’m not sexually active, I’m able to think more with my mind as opposed to letting emotions get in the way once we have intercourse. I think that I can see clearer so when the bad characteristics come out, it’s not hard for me to let a guy go and honestly and sincerely mean it when I say “On to the next one.” At the end of the day though, all guys are capable of cheating so I think we’re all in the same boat with that one. All the fuckers out there (no pun) and the virgins.

Wait… there are other virgins? How do you spot them out? Do you guys have a secret handshake?

Shutup! No [Laughs] I really can’t tell Guerdley. They just end up telling me. Even when someone mentions religion, I don’t assume that they are a virgin unless they are HARDCORE, in the church every day Christians. I know about 5 other adult virgins all over 25 within my network of friends. Two guys and three girls. Some keep it on the low, some are open about it. I choose to expose it only to a selected few. Not everyone needs to know my business, especially if you don’t plan on being in my life for a substantial amount of time.

Wow…

We got it: the panties are padlocked. But has any guy in your adult life made you question yourself? When it comes to protecting your virginity what’s the closest you’ve ever came to screaming Y.O.L.O.?

Man, this one guy. [Shakes damn head] Seriously, this dude was perfection. Like “forget how to act” perfection. He made me think about having sex within him. I thought about it for a quick second but I checked myself real quick and had to remember that I came all this way. You don’t quit in the final lap, that’s stupid. So I had to quit that.

Braveheart ladies and gentlemen. Mary, any final words you care to share with of us f-ckers out here?

Life without sex can be pleasurable. Don’t let sex dictate what you want to explore in your life. I know that’s a fear for a lot of people. Yes, a lot of people like sex, but if you’re considering going celibate or just taking a break from sex all together, don’t think that you won’t find a guy to stick around. I’m proof, sorry to sound like an after-school special, but if you really got more to offer than what’s in between your legs he’ll recognize that. Well the guys worthy of you will… Also I do think it’s important to let the guy know that you won’t be having sex for safety issues. My main fear is date rape. Thankfully that’s never happened to me because I used to tell guys about the no sex thing after we were already in the mix but I realized that I was being way too risky about it. Wasn’t a smart thing to do so I started being sure to tell them before we even made it to the bed. I don’t ever want to be a tease.

Are you NOT edutained? Don’t you guys feel nice and clean? I know I do! So what can you take away from this blog that you hadn’t already lost in the back of a Mitsubishi three 3 blocks from your parents house way back when? Hmmm… Well for starters, ladies don’t ever question what you “owe” anyone sexually. If you’re not trying to stay open like 7/11, explain that to him. Tell him the vag is on vacay and send him a postcard –wish you were here! (Kidding!) Really though, depending on the type of guy, he may be able to deal with the delayed gratification. Just be honest with him and communicate well before he reaches for the wrapper. Que mas? Oh yes, this blog also questions the theory that guys only stick around for great p-ssy. Some of them keep coming back for that abstract non-sex some of these chicks are passing out here like free candy. Crazy times we live in I tell ya, crazy times.

Laters!

Guerdley

@_guerdley | @wwmdtv

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